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TJ Edwards & Ms Molly Mule - an unfortunate accident

Date: 6/18/08
Dear Mr Edwards,
 
Sadly, it was brought to my attention that some of our children, "the heifers in the back pasture",  were very discourteous to you and your lovely Mule,  Ms Molly on your recent vist.
 
We can assure you these girls will be made to understand they have done wrong to a good lad..  They have agreed to donate their first gallon of milk to some young children to help them grow strong shoulders such as yours.  Hopefully when these girls realize their wrong, they will pass their experience on to our boys as we would like them to grow into fine young lads such as y
 
Papa Bull and I are hoping the these children of ours will have better manners on your next visit to our fair city of Forestville.
 
May your pasture always look  the greenest on your side of the fence...
  
Mama Cow of Forestville
 

 

Date: 6/19/8

Dear mamma cow,
 
all along i thought that you were my friend only to be deceived in the most viscious way.  i've been a strong believer in the "got milk" program and have staunchly supported the dairy industry for many years.  having grown up in southern wisconsin in one of the largest dairy areas and having associated with many dairy farmers while working at a local feed mill for 8 years i thought that all cows were decent, up-right, god fearing, loyal, and trustworthy individuals.  
 
now i've learned that some are no better than lawyers and politicians.  if they slip any lower they will soon be hunting skunks and digging ginseng.
 
sincerely,
 
miss molly mule and t.j.

 

Date:  6/19/08

TJ must be feeling better to come up with this. His "life coach", Mr Meyer, must have been working with him.. 

 

 

Date:  6/19/08

TJ's life coach has been a little busy. I haven't heard the whole story, but I've gotten the gist of it. As someone who has been around cows most of his life, I've learned that the only animal dumber is a sheep, unless we are talking about holsteins; they are so dumb that they think they are black cows with white spots.  My advice would have been to dust yourself, off get in your truck, drive down to the farm, and run every one of them over.

 
Date 6/24/08

Subject: Mamma Cow forgives Mr Ed.
Mr. Edwards,

Thank you for your past patronage of the "Got Milk" program, it is sincerely appreciated on the farm down here in Forestville.

In your last note to us I heard what could be construed ass a sarcastic note concerning us cows; ( no better than politicians or lawyers) I understand that it was probably just the lack of pain killers at the time.
And what's with this digging ginseng stuff, don't you know that turns the milk sour.

Papa Bull and I can accept that, though it is hard to accept what your "Life Coach" had to say; "As someone who has been around cows most of his life, I've learned that the only animal dumber is a sheep, unless we are talking about holsteins; they are so dumb that they think they are black cows with white spots. My advice would have been to dust yourself off, get in your truck, drive down to the farm, and run every one of them over. "

Papa Bull and I realize your life coach didn't have enough sense to remove his cooler from under the truck (see attachment) ruining it so he won't be able to keep his milk cool. A problem we all go through, but he is the one advising you!!??.

As the rooster on the farm told us in one of his recent morning announcements at sunrise; "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Mamma Cow of Forestville
 

 

Dear Mamma Cow,

You are right; living in the city for twenty years brought the baser instincts in me. Any farmer knows that with profit margins so thin, nothing should go to waste to maximize profit. Running over your out-of-control young ones would be a huge waste. There is a single word that will get the attention of every unruly young holstein and give the farmer a hope of making some money. I will advise Mr Edwards to loudly shout it to the farmer the next time your young are causing problems. That word is.......veal.

T.J.'s Life Coach
 

 
 

July 4th, 2008

 
Dearest Mr Edwards and Miss Molly Mule;
 
It has been a cause for celebration down here on the farm that after our visit face to face to resolve the issue of how our children treated you, our grudges have been put to greener pastures..
 
Papa Bull and I rejoiced with a little romp in the back pasture and now all the cows are exceeding their daily milk ration.  Mr Rooster had the greatest recital at sunrise this am, motivating everyone to do some great deed to their fellow barnyard friend.. Most everything is in harmony down here on the farm..
 
One of our youngest heifers, Gretell by name, still has concerns about the animosity of your life coach and his attitude toward our young'ns.  20 years is long time to hold a grudge which must have started well before they were even a twinkle in Papa Bulls eyes.   Perhaps, you could spend some of your positive time and "coach" Mr Life Coach, that its time to let this  phase pass.  In our round hay discussions of why he might have a grudge, the only thing we could come up with is that in his youth, not so  long ago, he was snubbed by a young lady that wore a black and white dress and has carried that forward...Hard to believe coming from such a fine young lad as himself...
 
Ms Misty (our fellow equine on the farm) has  shown  interest in hearing on how Ms Suzy's nice little horsey is doing.
 
Well, it is time to sign off and do some grazing to be able to keep up my daily milk production.     Take care, Mr Edwards and Ms Molly Mule.
 
Mamma Cow, Papa Bull,  and the rest of the barnyard
 

Date:  Monday, July 07, 2008 8:33 PM

Subject: my new net worth
 
dear mama cow,
 
i've always thought of myself as being a very forgiving person who realizes that often the many mistakes made by others are often just a lack of thoughtfulness on their part.  in other words, the many mistakes made by your children were not done intentially.
 
therefore i was going to just forgive and forget the unkind actions committed by your children while miss molly mule and myself were riding down the public road past your farm on june 14. 
 
however, i was recently contacted by an ms. anna plasmosis, an attorney with the law firm dewey, cheatem and howe, s.c.  (i've been told that the s.c. stands for "screwed completely.")  ms. plasmosis had heard about the problems we encountered with your children.  while i know you may think this smacks of ambulance chasing (i must confess that i did also.) i was assurred by ms. plasmosis that she does not chase ambulence.  in fact ms. plasmosis has told me that over 90% of the time she is able to beat the ambulance to the hospital!
 
anna plasmosis is currently preparing a law suit against your children.  as they are all legally minors this in reality will become a law suit against you.  therefore i must ask you for several items:
1.  the names and ages of each of your children.
2.  a complete listing of all of your assets.
4.  the live weight of each of your children as of june 14.
5.  the market value of each of your children as of june 14.
6.  the potential value of each of your female children as a milk cow when in production.
7.  the potential value of each of your male children if certain body parts are sold as "oysters."
 
while i know this may cause you great consternation you should be aware that i have been suffering for several weeks now, that i'm in a great deal of pain, that the ride season is slipping away quickly and i will soon fall from top-ten placing, that i am entitled to financial redress for my financial losses, and that i am entitled to financial redress for my pain and suffering.
 
please provided the requested information as soon as possible as ms. anna plasmosis, attorney-at-law would like to begin scheduling depositions as soon as possible.
 
sincerely,
 
miss molly mule and t.j.

 
Date:  Tues July 8

Dearest Mr. Edwards and Ms Molly Mule:

 
cc:  Ms Anna Plasmosis of Du We Cheatem and How; S.C.
 
Oh My Gosh!!!!   After your last letter, my milk turned sour when we seen what you and Ms Molly ( one half of an a**), were planning on doing to our family.  Papa Bull felt like coming off the farm to discuss who's "oysters" would be removed.
 
We felt that after our last discussion everything was settled betwixt us so you can imagine the surprise to us.  After we discussed this with William Goat,we realize that it is not your kind self instigating this but the lady from Du We Cheatem and How; S.C.. so we will not take this personally..
 
This seemed serious enough that William Goat, Bert Rooster, Papa Bull, and I had a round hay discussion with Mr Farmer to discuss your intended actions.   He was as pale as Ms Banty's feathers when we finished.  He knew something drastic had to be done to save his farm..so he consulted with Barney Rat.
 
Their decision was Drastic!!!   They removed the children from our pens and were sent to Heifer and Boy/Child Protection Services.   If taking our children away wasn't enough, our pasture rights were revoked and we were asked to leave the farm and go live by the river bottom. 
 
I am sorry about you falling from the top ten placing in your ride season,  but  by following your attorneys recommendations, it has separated our family, we lost our home and are now relying on "The Homeless Cattle Fund".   If you would still like to pursue this matter concerning the children and you feel that you can raise them better, please contact the Heifer and Boy/Child Protection Services. 
 
May your Wisconsin cheese be ever sour!!!
 
Mama Cow 
 
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2008 10:15 PM
Subject: law suit

mama cow,
 
i recently received your correspondence regarding my pending lawsuit against you and your children and i must admit that it has touched me greatly.  while i can hardly forgive the actions of your children on june 14 of this year i also don't want to be the one responsible for splitting up your family.
 
my attorney, ms. anna plasmosis from the law firm of dewey, cheatem and howe as strongly advised me to not drop this law suit.  i thought that i should heed her advice until i recently read a book entitled, "lawyers and other reptiles."  reading this book has caused me to view ms. plasmosis' advice with a jaundiced eye.
 
additionally i visited the orthopedic doctor/surgeon today and consulted with him.  the orthopedic told me that i can return to riding (even molly mule), that i will no longer need to wear the sling with the padded armband, and that in just over a week i can start physical therapy which basically means i am on the road to recovery.  i will be revisiting the orthopedic on august 7 and he may actually give me his blessing to ride at the thistle down run.
 
however, i still feel an obligation to be made whole.  therefore i would be willing to forego any law suit if you will do the following:
 
1.  indentify the individual children of yours that actually caused my accident with molly mule to occur.
2.  ship these children to the nearest processing facility.
3.  pay the costs of slaughter, cutting and wrapping for said children.
4.  ship all the meat to me.
 
please advise me in the very near future as to your decision on this matter,
 
sincerely,
 
t.j. edwards and miss molly mule
 

 
Date: Sat 7/19/08

Dearest Mr. Edwards and Ms Molly Mule,

 
It was with great pleasure when Oliver Pig brought us your correspondence.  Just knowing that you have not pursued your lawsuit relieved the stress that was causing me milk fever.  Billy Goat also brought us the news that Mr. Farmer was allowing us pasture privileges back so we no longer have to live down by the river bottom...He also is corresponding with Heifer and Boy/Child Protection Services about returning our children to the pasture.
 
Perhaps it was an extremely good lesson for all of us that the advice some people/businesses give isn't always in our best interest.. See attached MNDRA picture of someone else picking on you...
 
It was with elation down here in the barnyard when it was read by Mr Rooster at daybreak announcements that you were now able to return to riding.  I do know the stress of perhaps not being in the top ten was causing you additional strain.  Maybe it is something you humans need to lighten up on and just enjoy the ride.  We all are just glad that you are on the "road" to recovery versus the dirt road holding Ms Molly.
 
In correspondance with the animals at Crow Hassan Park Reserve, they brought out that perhaps our children saved you an ever worse disaster with the "Great White Rock" of Mosquito Run.  Realizing that we might have saved you more harm and even worse, embarrassment, that to make as you put it, " whole", we offer you an alternative.   
 
 A lot of your fellow riders talk to their equine friends who correspond with Ms Misty here on the farm about how kind you are to your barnyard animals and even the equivical reverence you show to your first wife and children.  I'm sure you would not want any harm to come to either your human family same as we wouldn't want harm to our family here on the farm.. 
 
We appeal to your human kindness that instead of "slaughtering" our children we offer that they give up some of their future milk production to process into the cheese you so love.  And if you would like to bring some of your sweet maple syrup, we will incorporate this into the cheese.
 
If this is acceptable, please advise your life coach to bring his new cooler (see attached picture) to Thistledown Run Races to keep the cheese cool after we cut it...
 
Overflowing with milk and honey,
 
Mama Cow of Forestville