Subject: Mamma Cow forgives Mr Ed.
Mr. Edwards,
Thank you for your past patronage of the "Got Milk" program, it is sincerely appreciated on the farm down here in Forestville.
In your last note to us I heard what could be construed ass a sarcastic note concerning us cows; ( no better than politicians or lawyers) I understand that it was probably just the lack of pain killers at the time.
And what's with this digging ginseng stuff, don't you know that turns the milk sour.
Papa Bull and I can accept that, though it is hard to accept what your "Life Coach" had to say; "As someone who has been around cows most of his life, I've learned that the only animal dumber is a sheep, unless we are talking about holsteins; they are so dumb that they think they are black cows with white spots. My advice would have been to dust yourself off, get in your truck, drive down to the farm, and run every one of them over. "
Papa Bull and I realize your life coach didn't have enough sense to remove his cooler from under the truck (see attachment) ruining it so he won't be able to keep his milk cool. A problem we all go through, but he is the one advising you!!??.
As the rooster on the farm told us in one of his recent morning announcements at sunrise; "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
Mamma Cow of Forestville
Mamma Cow, Papa Bull, and the rest of the barnyard
Date: Monday, July 07, 2008 8:33 PM
Subject: my new net worth
dear mama cow,
i've always thought of myself as being a very forgiving person who realizes that often the many mistakes made by others are often just a lack of thoughtfulness on their part. in other words, the many mistakes made by your children were not done intentially.
therefore i was going to just forgive and forget the unkind actions committed by your children while miss molly mule and myself were riding down the public road past your farm on june 14.
however, i was recently contacted by an ms. anna plasmosis, an attorney with the law firm dewey, cheatem and howe, s.c. (i've been told that the s.c. stands for "screwed completely.") ms. plasmosis had heard about the problems we encountered with your children. while i know you may think this smacks of ambulance chasing (i must confess that i did also.) i was assurred by ms. plasmosis that she does not chase ambulence. in fact ms. plasmosis has told me that over 90% of the time she is able to beat the ambulance to the hospital!
anna plasmosis is currently preparing a law suit against your children. as they are all legally minors this in reality will become a law suit against you. therefore i must ask you for several items:
1. the names and ages of each of your children.
2. a complete listing of all of your assets.
4. the live weight of each of your children as of june 14.
5. the market value of each of your children as of june 14.
6. the potential value of each of your female children as a milk cow when in production.
7. the potential value of each of your male children if certain body parts are sold as "oysters."
while i know this may cause you great consternation you should be aware that i have been suffering for several weeks now, that i'm in a great deal of pain, that the ride season is slipping away quickly and i will soon fall from top-ten placing, that i am entitled to financial redress for my financial losses, and that i am entitled to financial redress for my pain and suffering.
please provided the requested information as soon as possible as ms. anna plasmosis, attorney-at-law would like to begin scheduling depositions as soon as possible.
sincerely,
miss molly mule and t.j.
Date: Tues July 8Dearest Mr. Edwards and Ms Molly Mule:
cc: Ms Anna Plasmosis of Du We Cheatem and How; S.C.
Oh My Gosh!!!! After your last letter, my milk turned sour when we seen what you and Ms Molly ( one half of an a**), were planning on doing to our family. Papa Bull felt like coming off the farm to discuss who's "oysters" would be removed.
We felt that after our last discussion everything was settled betwixt us so you can imagine the surprise to us. After we discussed this with William Goat,we realize that it is not your kind self instigating this but the lady from Du We Cheatem and How; S.C.. so we will not take this personally..
This seemed serious enough that William Goat, Bert Rooster, Papa Bull, and I had a round hay discussion with Mr Farmer to discuss your intended actions. He was as pale as Ms Banty's feathers when we finished. He knew something drastic had to be done to save his farm..so he consulted with Barney Rat.
Their decision was Drastic!!! They removed the children from our pens and were sent to Heifer and Boy/Child Protection Services. If taking our children away wasn't enough, our pasture rights were revoked and we were asked to leave the farm and go live by the river bottom.
I am sorry about you falling from the top ten placing in your ride season, but by following your attorneys recommendations, it has separated our family, we lost our home and are now relying on "The Homeless Cattle Fund". If you would still like to pursue this matter concerning the children and you feel that you can raise them better, please contact the Heifer and Boy/Child Protection Services.
May your Wisconsin cheese be ever sour!!!
Mama Cow
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2008 10:15 PM
Subject: law suit
mama cow,
i recently received your correspondence regarding my pending lawsuit against you and your children and i must admit that it has touched me greatly. while i can hardly forgive the actions of your children on june 14 of this year i also don't want to be the one responsible for splitting up your family.
my attorney, ms. anna plasmosis from the law firm of dewey, cheatem and howe as strongly advised me to not drop this law suit. i thought that i should heed her advice until i recently read a book entitled, "lawyers and other reptiles." reading this book has caused me to view ms. plasmosis' advice with a jaundiced eye.
additionally i visited the orthopedic doctor/surgeon today and consulted with him. the orthopedic told me that i can return to riding (even molly mule), that i will no longer need to wear the sling with the padded armband, and that in just over a week i can start physical therapy which basically means i am on the road to recovery. i will be revisiting the orthopedic on august 7 and he may actually give me his blessing to ride at the thistle down run.
however, i still feel an obligation to be made whole. therefore i would be willing to forego any law suit if you will do the following:
1. indentify the individual children of yours that actually caused my accident with molly mule to occur.
2. ship these children to the nearest processing facility.
3. pay the costs of slaughter, cutting and wrapping for said children.
4. ship all the meat to me.
please advise me in the very near future as to your decision on this matter,
sincerely,
t.j. edwards and miss molly mule
Date: Sat 7/19/08
Dearest Mr. Edwards and Ms Molly Mule,
It was with great pleasure when Oliver Pig brought us your correspondence. Just knowing that you have not pursued your lawsuit relieved the stress that was causing me milk fever. Billy Goat also brought us the news that Mr. Farmer was allowing us pasture privileges back so we no longer have to live down by the river bottom...He also is corresponding with Heifer and Boy/Child Protection Services about returning our children to the pasture.
Perhaps it was an extremely good lesson for all of us that the advice some people/businesses give isn't always in our best interest.. See attached MNDRA picture of someone else picking on you...
It was with elation down here in the barnyard when it was read by Mr Rooster at daybreak announcements that you were now able to return to riding. I do know the stress of perhaps not being in the top ten was causing you additional strain. Maybe it is something you humans need to lighten up on and just enjoy the ride. We all are just glad that you are on the "road" to recovery versus the dirt road holding Ms Molly.
In correspondance with the animals at Crow Hassan Park Reserve, they brought out that perhaps our children saved you an ever worse disaster with the "Great White Rock" of Mosquito Run. Realizing that we might have saved you more harm and even worse, embarrassment, that to make as you put it, " whole", we offer you an alternative.
A lot of your fellow riders talk to their equine friends who correspond with Ms Misty here on the farm about how kind you are to your barnyard animals and even the equivical reverence you show to your first wife and children. I'm sure you would not want any harm to come to either your human family same as we wouldn't want harm to our family here on the farm..
We appeal to your human kindness that instead of "slaughtering" our children we offer that they give up some of their future milk production to process into the cheese you so love. And if you would like to bring some of your sweet maple syrup, we will incorporate this into the cheese.
If this is acceptable, please advise your life coach to bring his new cooler (see attached picture) to Thistledown Run Races to keep the cheese cool after we cut it...
Overflowing with milk and honey,
Mama Cow of Forestville